Sunday, February 10, 2008

Dear Dawn Olsen at Glosslip

Dear Dawn;

You recently posted a comment on my previous post regarding your web site's article regarding Britney Spears' menstrual cycle and your ambitious charting thereof. In that delightful and exceedingly polite email (included), you intimated that you care about Britney Spears and that I am a device for remove small particles from hard to reach places. I assure you, I am not such a device. And I assure you, you don't care about Britney Spears.

GlossLip is a collection of articles about celebrities and near celebrities. The subject of any one of your articles will surely match one of Google's top-ten search phrases, a tactic sorely proven to generate hits and links over time and move your blog, as I'm certain you hope, higher into the Googlespheric strata and closer to right hand of God, the number one result, the first thing people see when they type in Amy Winehouse or Britney Spears--the holy grail of the internet.

Imagine for a minute being Britney Spears, existing on the tip of the tongue for pretty much 70% of the western world, a person more easily identified than Jesus or Angelina Jolie. She doesn't have a life; she exist as an object of pursuit by everyone, even those people closest too her. She can't blink without having it analyzed for frequency and arcane meanings.

Then imagine all the people out there who beg off her name by sprinkling it all over their blog like some kind of memetic censer, people who will not only analyze her eyelashes but take hi-def video of them and post 'em frame by frame. These are people desperate to capitalize on her breadcrumbs, its the paparazzi times ten million. Then find out that one of them has the audacity to chart her cycle and claim that it's because they care.No wonder she wigs out. It's worse than being pope.

I'm certainly not defending her, I think she's a half-retarded monomaniac sloven onanist and should be relieved of her duties. However, I'd take her over people like you any day of the week. She's not riding on anybody else's coattails and last time I accidentally paid attention to her, she was dealing with her own problems, not pretending to care about someone else's--or profiting from them.

Your blog is and all blogs like GlossLip are a blight, a cancer, a cold sore on the pouty lips of the world's attention span and you ought to stop, turn off your laptop, and take a walk outside.

With love;

The device for removing small objects from hard to reach places.

P.S. ( I chart my wife and my daughter's invading orc hordes so they don't run out of supplies because I am the rigorously supportive homemaker for two highly ambitious and successful women, a fact that is generously distributed throughout my blog. Furthermore, my audience--vast and literate--is about 90 percent women, a fact easily gleaned from reading even one string of comments on even one post. As you advised, a little research goes a long way.)
P.P.S. (Dude.)

(letter from Ms. Olsen)

Hey buddy, how about you read our entire body of work on Britney for a better representation of who we are.

A little research goes a long way DUDE.

What, do you think only you are allowed to talk about Britney? You aren't even a woman, WTF do you know about periods and how they affect the mind, let alone the affect of having two children in such a short period of time.

We care about her and want her to get help, so don't be such a presumptuous prick.

Thanks and have a nice day.

Dawn Olsen
Please save me: my children are trying to kill me.

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