Thursday's 13 Things That New Scout Merit Badges Should Cover

1. Family Guy Trivia Merit Badge
2. Talk Like Cartman Merit Badge
3. Cut Your Finger While Carving Boobs into the Picnic Table Merit Badge
4. Cry Like a Girl Because You're Scared of a Daddy Long Legs Merit Badge
5. "This Lake has Awesome Graphics," Merit Badge
6. "Does Our Tent Have WiFi?" Merit Badge
7. Sink Your Canoe on Purpose Merit Badge
8. Kick Your Senior Patrol Leader in the Balls Merit Badge
9. Drink a 32 Oz. Chocolate/Watermelon/Mocha Shake Then Puke All Night Merit Badge
10. Hold Your Poop Seven Days Merit Badge
11. Texas Hold 'Em Merit Badge
12. Secret Backwoods Private Club Start-Up Merit Badge
13. Saying "Camp Sucks," So Much It Is Statistically Improbable Championship High Score Merit Badge

Please save me: my children are trying to kill me.