Recipe # 9,356. Dirty Martini Grenata and Admiral Byrd Popscicles

Summer is here and summer means it's time to try again to make the world's greatest Popsicle. I had a mango and chili Popsicle two years ago that I'm still smacking my lips over. I've been trying to find that mysterious Mexican Bicycle Ice Cream guy ever since. And last year's nearly world famous pickle juice Popsicle was so bizarre and delicious I'm still getting emails about it. So today I moved forward. I'm making Popsicles for grownups. Why should I be forced to endure cherry bomb sugar blast rainbow pops and frozen Spongebob on a stick when I can make my own spectacular sub zero masterpieces? My first two attempts are in the freezer: a Frozen Dirty Martini and what I'm going to call an Admiral Byrd: Earl Grey tea and raw sugar. I can't wait.

Here's the recipes: Admiral Byrd Popsicles. First, get a popsicle mold. Don't be cheap and use Dixie cups--what's the matter with you? Get a cool mold. Second take some raw sugar and mix it with equal parts warm water. I used a heaping tablespoon of unprocessed sugar. Big spankin' brown grains. Third, make some earl grey tea. Use the good stuff, loose leaf, let it steep THREE MINUTES, dammit. THREE MINUTES! Strain, mix in the melted sugar, MIX IT WELL and pour it into a couple of molds. Freeze (duh).



Now--make a dirty martini. Don't be cheap and use crap Vodka. Be a man. Use Belvedere.

Here's how you make a good martini: two shots vodka, half a shot of Vermouth, a generous shot of olive juice. Pour it over ice, put on a good song. Shake the shaker like a mofo. Shake it through half the song. Shake it until a thick layer of ice forms on the outside of the shaker. Shake it until your fingers turn blue. Shake it until your arms are paralyzed. Now strain it into a chilled martini glass with three big fat olives--oh, wait. I mean pour it into a Popsicle mold with a couple of olives. Big fat ass olives that barely fit into the mold.

Rigorous testing in our secret underground testing kitchen reveals that Belvedere vodka is very monkey corvette dance routine (hic!) and even slightly hot redhead psycho Disney movie (hic!) (Hic!). Sorry. (You should've been there when we tested the tequila pops . . .)

The Dirty Martini does not freeze well because of all the vodka. It will be more like an Italian ice: a grenata. So run som hot water over the mold and pop it out into a bowl. It tastes like a fnorkin dirty martini. I wish it would freeze because it tasted awesome. I had nine of them and I love you man. Sheriushly. I luuuuuuv you maaaaaan. I .... I think of us more like brothersh (hic) than . . .

[three hours later]

The Admiral Byrd does freeze and is, in my humble opinion, the greatest Popsicle ever. I highly recommend it and you should send me money now.

Next, maybe a bloody mary pop (on a celery stick). With aspirin.

Please save me: my children are trying to kill me.